By Nancy Ging

Feeling lonely, forlorn and forgotten, especially on Valentine’s Day? Think you are unlovable, or that your personality quirks always seems to get in the way of intimate relationships? Well, don’t despair, as that’s the subject of our new column: Whole Brain Advice from holistic psychotherapist Nancy Ging.

Dear Whole Brain Advisor, Another Valentine’s Day alone. I feel unloved and unlovable. How do I get through this very uncomfortable time?

— Miserable & Wanna Be A Valentine

DEAR MISERABLE, Take heart! Have courage and take the adventurous trip within. We know that people generally want sunshine and light to go with their hearts and flowers in this and every season. But going out to meet someone new when your energies are silently broadcasting misery, even when you’re pretending to be happy, will most likely only bring you face to face with a person who reflects your own shadow, your hidden-from-view but nonetheless very real unappealing proclivities of character.

Some of us may actually know our nasty tendencies very well, but don’t want others to get a glimpse of our darkness. However, those energies are “seen” with the inner eye of intuition, and sensed at some level of the soul. Call it your “vibe.” Before you panic here, remember: We are essentially made out of love and you actually do have plenty of the loving light, but you may not be able to totally bloom ‘n’ shine until you’ve honored the manure, the compost heap called your dark side, which is waiting for a meeting and greeting from your most conscious Self.

Now here you may ask: Why would I want to hang out with my self-defeating, self-rejecting sorry shadow? (Especially when some of us have rather juicy shadows, depending on our degree of past pain.)

Well, it’s the only sure way to arrive at the wholeness you need in order to attract a partner and truly loving relationship. And even if you don’t see it, your shadow will make itself known to any potential partners.

Intimate relationships activate our shadow like nothing else! It’s scary stuff, this adventure of revealing our whole self to another or ourselves. But the dividends are excellent. You most likely have already heard this: We have to love ourselves first before a loving partner will show up and stay. Just look around. Who are those people who manifest a partner with real staying power, someone who is psychologically safe, warm and trustworthy? Have you noticed that they already are happy with themselves? We’re talking deep, genuine self-esteem, not a puffed-up conceit. Those who find healthy relationships first get to know their own wholeness, and that wholeness includes darkness as well as light.

Our shadow also makes itself known to our physical body through aches and pains. Make friends with your shadow and watch your body relax. The more of ourselves that we bring into the Light of our consciousness, the more liberated we become. Embracing the shadow isn’t a one-shot deal either. We can claim it in a flash but we can’t tame it all at once. In fact, our shadow may need attention daily, throughout our life if we want to be really free of its mischief. But on Valentine’s Day, if you’re already feeling unlovable, it may be your admirable or “golden shadow” you need to meet first. Here’s a meditation to get you started:

First, Meet Your Best Side

Imagine yourself alone in an exquisitely beautiful setting, in perfect weather, with all the elements of nature in harmony. Envision an elegant, lacy and large heart-shaped fence surrounding you, leaving you with plenty of space in which to play. This is your haven for harmony, the playground of your heart, the place where all opposite energies are reconciled. Now, call up the energies of five qualities you most appreciate in yourself. See each one as a physical representation. You might call forth your capacity for compassion or see an image of the embodiment of curiosity. Perhaps you’ll call forth your trustworthiness or tenderness. Or your joy, faith, patience or spontaneity.

If you can’t decide on which five, pick six, or seven, or eight.

Look into the eyes of each of these aspects of you, thanking each for being present within you as you drink in the energy of each with your eyes. Be gluttonous, absorbing these energies and savor the sweetness.

Now, turn and face the other direction. Remember each quality, and ask each one to gently touch your back, and to lend you protection and wisdom. As they stand behind you, feel their energy flowing into your body as you inhale the beautiful strength. A very real valentine you are. Angelic.

Now, imagine a ball of beautiful golden light that hovers just above you as the energy of their own soul’s wholeness. Shower yourself with this loving kindness. Do this meditation until you feel confident enough to move to the next level.

Shower Your Shadow With Love

With all the compassion of a benevolent parent or wise sage, look into another fenced-in area that’s located within your larger heart fence. This is where your shadow resides. Ask it to reveal itself, and then observe it as if you were a scientist investigating a fascinating new creature. What does it look like? You may be surprised that the monster you imagine actually is a small child who is angry or hurt. Is it a wounded animal? A beehive of energy? An amusing gremlin? It can’t “get you,” as it’s enclosed in the foolproof fencing and you are protected by your golden angels.

Notice: Does it have a color? A face? A smell? When you feel comfortable, ask it what it needs or wants. Then, just listen. But above all, look at it with compassion and bless it.

Then tell it you are grateful for its existence because it developed to help you. But now you have some very good news: Things have changed. It doesn’t have to hide or work so hard anymore. You know it’s there and you won’t deny it anymore. It’s time for it to take a rest. But first you are going to give it a treat. Then extend the ball of beautiful golden light of your soul and shower your shadow with this loving kindness.

Remember: True love is always available to each of us from within!

Nancy Ging, A.C.S.W., L.C.S.W., is a Chicago-area holistic psychotherapist, consultant and author.